I miss the days when I had the drive to update this regularly.
I keep saying over and over to myself, “man I should update Berry Punch.”
Then it never happens.
I can’t kill this blog because it is too big a part of me. I want to sincerely thank y’all who have stuck around through months of nothing worthwhile.
I think I started to crack under self made pressure. I took on a lot of work and even then I have been slogging through that at a snail’s pace. I bit off more than I could chew I think.
But that’s me. I’m a panic bomb. Barely any confidence in my abilities. Especially when I owe so much.
I have the desire to work on this blog. As well as Cheerilee and N. Luna. I have the want; the itch. It’s when I sit down to do it that the guilt of doing anything for myself rears it’s ugly head and the commission storm cloud strikes me with bolts of “I should do this instead”.
Sad part is it’s all on me. My clients don’t seem to mind (generally). Many of them want to see me work on this blog or draw whatever comes to mind. So it isn’t their fault at all. It’s me. I am the one who blames myself and punishes myself and assumes the worst all the time.
This is how my mind works. If say, ten people commission me and I take a long time. Nine of then say “Don’t worry about it, take your time.” One person is even slightly upset. Guess which one I will focus in on and internally destroy myself over?
That has happened. I made a client think they were the problem by being so late on the project. And that is even worse. The guilt I feel for not delivering faster or better is so overwhelming that no amount of positivity from the others has penetrated my self assumed prison of shame.
That’s why my art has dropped off so hard over the last six months or more. That’s why my blogs have come to a screeching halt.
I have defeated myself. I have caused my own demoralization. Ironically causing me to have the very problem I was afraid of having in the first place; not drawing.
This is not easy to get out of. It’s a mental quagmire that has been programmed into me since I was a kid. Convinced by those around me that my ideas were dumb, my passions were ill placed, and I would always fail.
Sadly I wasn’t lucky enough to have the mind to prove them wrong by turning their words into fiery drive. Rather, I have laid down and died.
Why did I write this out? I felt y’all needed a good explanation for my ridiculous lack of content. After all, you’ve stayed. And I really appreciate that.
I won’t make any promises (that never helps), but I am going to try and pull myself up. I feel one of the biggest steps out of my ruined head is to start enjoying this blog again. I need to bring Berry back. This is what made me happy in 2011 and 2012.
In a way, I need her.